Your2 February 2009
Tracy Walker
columnists
Advice from our Parentline Plus expert
Sue Ormesher
Have that serious talk
before they reach 13AT PARENTLINE Plus, we receive thou-
sands of calls every year from parents of
teenagers worried that their children are
being influenced by their friends.
In fact, we carried out some research,
consulting with many parents and carers
of teenagers and found that, crucially,
most parents felt they were not the most
significant influence on their teenagers �
believing that peers held that top slot.
Parents said they worried about what
their children learned from their friends
and the effect of peer pressure. "Our
son's out of control, he's been suspended
from school twice, and is in a really bad
crowd," one distraught parent told our
helpline.
The message that came across loud
and clear during our research was that
many parents of teenagers would turn
back the clock and start talking to their
children before they hit their teens.
Parents say that the teenage years can
start long before children actually hit 13
and when children reach 10, they can
seem to grow up very fast, shutting out
their parents and wanting to spend more
time with their friends.
Then, by the time their children
became teenagers they no longer want-
ed to talk to them about major issues
such as sex, relationships and drugs �
believing instead that their teen mates
and the media were more influential role
models.
We say, try to get the conversation
going as soon as you can, because if an
open relationship can be established,
your children are more likely to come to
you with their problems. Research shows
that when parents discuss sex and rela-
tionships with their children (obviously
with age appropriate information), the
more likely the child is to delay their first
sexual experience and use contraception.
During our research, many young peo-
ple said they want to hear about such
things as sex, relationships, drugs etc
from their parents, rather than getting a
distorted view from bits of information
they pick up here and there from friends
and the media.
All children are different and we know
it can be difficult to get the conversation
going. You will need to adapt how you
talk and listen, especially when talking
about risky behaviours including sex.
Some teenagers prefer reading informa-
tion whilst others find it easier to talk
things through.
We have lots of tips on our website for
parents of teens about how to start the
talking, as well as information leaflets
available via the Parentline. There are
also lots of organisations who provide
information about sex and relationships,
alcohol and drugs including R U Think-
ing, ADFAM, FRANK and Brook.
In the meantime, try not to criticise or
make fun of their friends as the barriers
will go up at once and may make them
more determined to keep a friendship or
relationship going, they may have fizzled
out anyway.
Try to keep praising them. Concentrate
on things like doing well at school. Help
your children to say no to pressure. Point
out that their friends might just be show-
ing off. Help them see that they can have
a mind of their own.
If your child is unusually quiet or seems
depressed, there may be friendship prob-
lems. They may have problems at school
because of friends and there may be bul-
lying involved. Ask if there is anything
you can do to help and let them know
you are always there to talk to.
Perhaps birthdays are
not to be remembered
I
'm not one for issuing warnings
but feel I must on this occasion.
This is a warning for all parents
of young children: When it
comes to birthday celebrations,
DON'T set precedents.
Millie, my youngest, was seven last
week. We've been counting down since
Boxing Day.
A week before the big day, the birthday
requests started pouring in. Actually
`requests' is being generous, for really
they were orders.
`You won't forget to tie three balloons
to the birthday girl's seat will you
Mum?' asked Millie, who was clearly
trawling through all her birthday mem-
ories recalling every single, tiny detail,
determined to ensure none were over-
looked.
`And then there's the Happy Birthday
sign we always pin on the wall and the
`No entry Millie' note on the kitchen
door so I don't go in before you've fin-
ished putting all the presents on the
table at breakfast.'
`No worries, Mills, everything will be
in place,' I said.
`I think it would look even nicer if
there were some balloons ON the table
too Mum.'
`Okay, I'll see what we can do.'
`And I was thinking you should actu-
ally blindfold me before walking me into
the kitchen.' No kidding!
I felt like saying: `For goodness sake
kid, all this fuss when all that's on the
bleeding table is a pair of �4.99
Rollerblades from Argos, some Tesco
pants, a jigsaw and new gym leotard.
There are no Euro Disney tickets or pic-
tures of a pony which is awaiting you in
the back field.'
But obviously I didn't, as, bless her, I
knew she'd be delighted with her lot -
and simply felt all the surrounding cer-
emony was equally important.
Come the day, I made sure all the nec-
essary arrangements were in place and a
blindfolded and beaming Millie was cer-
emoniously brought to the breakfast
table by her older sister (who was rolling
her eyes).
Whereas for most people, once the pre-
sents had been opened it would be back
to normal, not Mills.
She was having 10 friends over for a
party in the afternoon (with a Smartie-
covered chocolate cake in the shape of
her new age � as we did last year, and the
year before and the year before that, etc)
and had insisted Grandma and Grandad
be invited for a birthday lunch.
`What will we be having for lunch,'
Millie asked the day before.
`Soup and garlic bread, like we always
do on a Saturday.'
She was aghast. `SOUP! On my birth-
day!'
And so the menu was revised.
Call me an old sucker but I suppose
Millie's birthdays were destined to be
full-on, exhausting affairs.
Seven years ago we had planned a low
key arrival in the world for her, with a
nice, quiet home birth.
But come the day the little blighter
decided to take us all by surprise and
make a very dramatic entry into the
world, frighteningly fast, feet first and
watched by three midwives, one doctor,
two paramedics (with redundant ambu-
lance waiting outside) and a wide-eyed
Mike.
I should have known then that low-key
birthdays would never wash with this
drama queen.
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