Take a pec at
dawn of time26Observer March 13, 2008
FILMS
www.hertsandessexobserver.co.ukCINEASTES pedantic
enough to be bothered
about historical
accuracy in
blockbusters should head for
the Natural History Museum
instead.Roland Emmerich8217s latest
surefire smash is about as
believab
le as its crackpot
director8217s suggestion that
woolly mammoths were used to
build the pyramids.
But what else would you expect
from the man who brought us
the gormless thrills of
Independence Day
and the
unintentional hilarity of
Godzilla?
Ifhe wants to populate his
latest film with violent, over-
sized poultry and Neanderthals
sporting waxed chests, then
who are we to argue?
This typically silly effort is
essentially a mash-up ofall
those old Saturday matinee
action films we used to sleep
through while nursing an
astonishing hangover 8211 films
such as near-namesake
One
Million Years BC, King
Solomon8217s Mines
and
The Land
Before Time
8211 only here
produced with a bottomless
budget and a bank ofpowerful
computers.
The plot is your standard 8216boy
meets girl, girl gets kidnapped
by sinister people, boy must go
on adventure to save girl8217 fare,
with the added bonuses of
beautifully rendered sabre-
toothed tigers, the
aforementioned industrious
woolly mammoths and breath-
taking computer-generated
landscapes.
Our hero, intrepid hunter D8217Leh
(Steven Strait), is prompted to
leave the confines ofhis tribe8217s
icy headquarters after a band of
marauding slave traders arrive
on horseback to kidnap his
sweetheart Evolet (Camilla
Belle).
Joined by the great hunter and
sage Tic8217Tic (no, really) and two
others ofthe Yagahl tribe, the
rescuers begin their journey,
first crossing a sweltering
jungle where they are attacked
by what appears to be a flock of
hostile chickens.
When they reach the Lost
Valley, they unite with an
African tribe whose numbers
have similarly dwindled
because ofthe evil traders, and
must brave an enormous desert
before stumbling across a kind
ofproto-Egyptian civilisation
with a penchant for pyramids,
slavery and human sacrifice 8211
and guess who8217s next up on the
altar?
Star rating:
5555510,000 BC
Certificate: 12A
Running time: 1h 48minYOUR 7-DAY TV GUIDE
PAGE 28-34VANTAGE POINT (12A)
8212 Dennis
Quaid, Matthew Fox, Forest Whitaker,
Sigourney Weaver and William Hurt
star in this intricate action thriller
which replays a devastating terrorist
attack on the US president in Spain
from eight perspectives.
Star rating:
5
5
5
5
5
5
THE GAME PLAN (U) 8212 Dwayne 8216The
Rock8217 Johnson demonstrates a flair for
comedy as a mega-rich American
football superstar who lives alone,
parties with supermodels and spends
money like water . . . until an eight-
year-old girl (Madison Pettis) turns up
and announces she8217s his daughter from
a previous relationship.
Star rating:
5
5
5
5
5
5
THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL (12A)
8212
Natalie Portman and Scarlett
Johansson play the Boleyn sisters,
Anne and Mary, who vie for the
codpiece ofKing Henry VIII (Eric
Bana) in this beautifully dressed and
staged costume drama that has pomp
and pageantry in abundance but a
paucity ofdeep emotion.
Star rating:
5
5
5
5
5
5
THE BANK JOB (15)
8212 Thriller set in
1971 starring Jason Statham as a shady
car dealer who tunnels into a London
bank8217s vaults to steal safety deposit boxes
containing millions in cash and jewels.
But he upsets a few unpleasant
characters 8212 including David Suchet
hamming it up as an East End porn
mogul 8212 by taking a box containing
compromising photos ofa member of
the Royal Family.
Star rating:
55
555
THE ACCIDENTAL HUSBAND (12A)
8212 Uma T
hurman looks ill at ease in her
comic role as radio agony aunt Dr
Emma Lloyd, who is about to marry
dashing publisher Colin Firth when she
discovers she is actually wed to fireman
Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who falsified the
marriage certificate in revenge for the
good doctor advising his girlfriend on
air to ditch him.
Star rating:
55555
SEMI PRO (15)
8212 W
ill Ferrell, Woody
Harrelson and Andre Benjamin star in
this comedy set in the world of
American basketball in 1976.
Star rating:
55555
BE KIND REWIND (12A)
8212
Jack
Black stars in this quirky comedy about
two best friends who, through
outrageous misfortune, have to remake
Hollywood blockbusters with only a
camcorder and their ingenuity. The
spoofremakes ofsome well-known
movies are hilarious, but sadly there8217s
little substance to this surreal romp.
Star rating:
55555
JUMPER (12A)
8212 Special ef
fects-heavy,
sci-fi adventure starring Hayden
Christensen as a young man able to
teleport, or 8216jump8217, to anywhere in the
world in the blink ofan eye. Co-stars
Samuel L Jackson, Rachel Bilson and
Jamie Bell.
Star rating:
55555STILL
on screenCottage is
no des res
for kidnap
brothersAFTERa highbrow debut that delved
uncomfortably into the murky lives
ofgangsters and child prostitutes, it
may seem puzzling that Paul Andrew
Williams has chosen to follow-up the
outstanding
London To Brighton
with a
slapstick horror featuring lads8217 mag
favourite Jennifer Ellison and an axe-
wielding maniac.
Bungling kidnappers Dave (Reece
Shearsmith, of
League ofGentlemen
fame) and Andy (Andy 8220Gollum8221
Serkis) are hard-up brothers who
abduct mouthy gangster8217s daughter
Tracey (Ellison) and hide out in a
deserted cottage on the outskirts ofa
sleepy village.
So far, so Emmerdale, but it soon
transpires that said village is also home
to a sinister mutant killer who has
some very inventive 8212 and deadly 8212
uses for a variety ofcommon garden
implements.
Add a pair ofcrazed Korean hitmen
employed by Tracey8217s angry father to
seek out and dispose ofthe kidnapping
brothers and you8217ve got all the
ingredients for a delightfully gory
weekend romp in the countryside.
Star rating:
55555THE COTTAGE
Certificate: 18
Running time: 1h 32minSAFFRON
ScreenCHARLIE WILSON8217S
WAR (15)
8211 Tom Hanks,
Julia Roberts and Philip
Seymour Hoffman star in
Aaron Sorkin8217s drama about
a Texas congressman8217s
covert dealings in
Afghanistan, where his
efforts to assist the rebels in
their war with the Soviets
have some unforeseen and
long-reaching effects 8211
Fri &
Sat 8pm.
UNDERDOG (U)
8211
Children8217s action adventure
about a hound called
Shoeshine who gets some
serious superpowers
following a laboratory
accident 8211
Sat & Sun 3pm.
BOMBS AT TEATIME (no
cert)
8211 A collection of
documentaries portraying
domestic life in Britain
during the 1940s as the
nation struggles to retain its
sanity in the shadow ofwar
8211
Sun & Mon 8pm.Saffron Screen is at Saffron
Walden County High School,
07786 463861 or
www.saffronscreen.com.
Prices: 1635.50 (concs 1634.50
evening, 1633.50 daytime).NICE KITTY:Steven Strait comes face to face with a sabre-toothed tiger in
10,000 BCHIDE AND FREAK: Andy Serkis plays a
kidnapper who hides out in the wrong
sleepy village in The Cottage
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57428574425746157377573835737757428574625745557377
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5741557459574505738957377574285744257461573775738357377574285746257455
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573955739357403573975739357429574495744657377574165744257454574465737757425574535744257455573775738557430573865741357442574505745357466
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5737757394573955740357394573935741157446573775742057450574555744557377574275744657464574505745557445573775738557394573955741057386574285744257461573775738357377574285746257455573775739457394574035739757398
5742957449574625745957460
573775739457395574035739357393Empire Jnrs 574105745357453573775746157450574445745257446574615746057377575085739457410574605746157446574595745057465573775741057455574455737757429574495744657377574315745057452574505745557448574605737757385574305738657377574285744257461573775738357377574285746257455
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57417574565745957461574565745557377574175744657442574595746057377574105737757432574495745657378573775738557430573865741557459574505737757394573975746157449573775742257442574595744457449
5737757394573975740357397573985738957377573945739957403573975739857389573775739457401574035739757398
57428574425746157377573945739857461574495737757383573775742857462574555737757394573995746157449573775742257442574595744457449
573775739457393574035739757398573895737757394573955740357397573985738957377
57394573975740357397573985738957377573945739957403573975739857389573775739457401574035739757398573775742957449574465737757428574575745057445574465745957464574505744457452573775741257449574595745657455574505744457453574465746057377
5738557425574165738657428574425746157377573945739857461574495737757383573775742857462574555737757394573995746157449573775742257442574595744457449
573945739457403573935739357389573775739457396574035739457398573895737757394573985740357397573985738957377573945740157403573935739357389573775739557393574035739457398CINEWORLD - HARLOWQUEENSGATE CENTRE, EDINBURGH WAYFILM TIMES FRIDAY 14 MARCH - 20 MARCHBook 0871 200 2000 Info www.cineworld.co.ukBooking fees apply.Programme times subject to change.
(S) Subtitles (AD) Audio descriptionHadvance showingsDR. SUESS8217 HORTON
HEARS A WHOU
Fri- sat & sun(10.45am
SAT & SUN only
),(1.00,
3.20,5.35
FRI,SAT & SUN only
),
(8.00pm
FRI only
)THE SPIDERWICK
CHRONICLESPG
Sat & sun1.00,3.15,5.30,7.45pm
SAT & SUN
onlynow showing10,000 B.C.12A
Contains moderate violence and sustained
threat(11.00am
SAT & SUN only
),1.30,4.00,
6.30,9.00pmTHE COTTAGE18(12.30,2.45,5.00 except
FRI,SAT & SUN
),
(7.15,9.30pm except
FRI)HANNAH MONTANA & MILEY
CYRUS: BEST OF BOTH
WORLDS CONCERT DISNEY
DIGITAL 3DDIGITAL PRESENTATION(11.00am
SAT & SUN only
),1.00,3.00,
5.00,7.00pmVANTAGE POINT12A
Contains moderate violence and one
use of strong language(12.15 except
SAT),2.30,4.45,7.00,
9.20pmTHE GAME PLANU1.35,4.10,(6.40,9.10pm except
SAT &
SUN)THE OTHER BOLEYN
GIRL12A
Contains moderate sex and language(12.30,3.00,5.30 except
SAT & SUN
),
8.00pmTHE BANK JOB159.00pmmovies for juniors (1631)fun & games and a movieTHE GOLDEN COMPASSPG10.30am
SAT onlyDADDY DAY CAMPPG10.10am
SAT onlyRATATOUILLEU10.20am
SAT only1634.50BargainTuesday
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